


...wrong snake...

by skrillwritesstuff



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: M/M, can you even send snakes via mail?, crowley eats rats pass it on, eh whatever, fairly platonic, i know jackshit about this show, it's always like a million degrees in the bently, so it may be kinda ooc, they've been banned for life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 13:42:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19319350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skrillwritesstuff/pseuds/skrillwritesstuff
Summary: A day trip goes horribly wrong.





	...wrong snake...

"No. No, absolutely not." He sighed. He'd been anticipating some resistance. He didn't expect it to be the kind of resistance where Crowley locked himself in the Bentley and rolled up all the windows, blaring Queen so loudly that the neighbors were seriously considering filing noise complaints. It was honestly a miracle that he could hear anything at all. "Come on, it'll be fun! When was the last time that anything that I said was going to be fun wasn't?" There was a moment that could be considered silence except for the incredibly loud music. "How about Salem?" He hadn't needed a reminder of Salem. "That was different entirely. I'm proposing a day trip, not... I actually don't know what that situation would be called. Probably a 'day-where-you-try-not-to-get-burned trip'." That elicited a hastily covered snicker. "What do you have against zoos, anyway?" Another period of uncomfortable silence. "I'm a snake, angel. It is incredibly awkward when the zookeepers catch you raiding the naked mole rats." Aziraphale narrowed his eyes. "You did not. You really, really didn't." The window rolled down. "You realize that you'll have to take legal responsibility for if anything happens there, right." He sighed in mild frustration but nodded. The music switched off. "Fine. Let's go before I regret this."

Zira began to have regrets himself when he remembered that it was a four-hour drive. Four hours in the Bentley with the heaters turned up _way_  too high. If they were adjusted even slightly, the car would stop completely as Crowley moaned about how he was cold-blooded and needed the heat. And it wasn't like he pulled over first. The honking horns of furious drivers kept getting louder. "You know that if it gets even a little cold that I could freeze to death-" It was the middle of summer. One hundred and three degrees out. And there was the fact that the demon was wearing all black, obviously heat-condusive. He was beginning to think that Crowley wanted him to just give up. But he was determined. "Yes, you can have it as hot as you want, can we just go, please-" He was silenced by a gesture. Crowley appeared to be listening for something. A moment later he heard it too. Another moment later they were driving down the highway, _way_  past the speed limit. Lesson learned : don't confront demons with the police.

The zoo was a nightmare. There were people literally _everywhere_. At some point Crowley had mentioned that he needed some space and wandered off somewhere, probably to the parking lot. The herpetarium specifically was a nightmare. A school group had come in, and everyone was talking so loudly that it became a meaningless blur. The snake exhibits were some of the most interesting to him, though he wasn't going to admit it. He was reading an informational plaque next to a display when he stopped. This plaque stated that there was only one anaconda at the zoo. But there were very clearly two huge snakes in there. One of them was looking at him boredly with it's yellow eyes, and the black and red one was asleep on a rock. "Oh, of all the silly-" He was now going to have to find the maintenence areas and retrieve Crowley. This was decidedly not how he had wanted to spend the afternoon.

Behind the scenes was awful. It smelled like rats, and there was a garbage bin that, when opened, was full of crickets. It took practically forever to find the anaconda enclosure from the back, and then there was the problem of which snake was the correct one. The one that was awake looked at him alertly when he opened the sliding hatch, so that was probably the right one. He didn't stop to think. He grabbed the snake, closed the hatch, and ran.

Even in the parking lot he could hear the commotion from the zoo. He hadn't really known that it scared people when you dragged a 20-foot serpent through their midst. He gestured to the steering wheel as he looked at the snake in the driver's seat. "You're going to have to change back to drive, you know." It didn't move, it just stared at him even more boredly. And then something clicked and Zira realized he'd just stolen an actual anaconda. He turned back towards the zoo and ran.

It was pandemonium back in the herpetarium. He rushed to behind the enclosures, opened the hatch again, amd stared into the yellow eyes of a very, very irate snake. Without even waiting for him to change back, he grabbed Crowley and ran.

About halfway through the mad dash to the car, they stopped to break into a gift kiosk so Crowley could change back. And then the police finally caught up with them. Well, nearly. It turns out that they didn't actually know what Zira looked like, and it was incredibly easy to fake being vendors at said gift kiosk. The second the officers moved away, they vaulted over the counter and ran.

The drive back was icy. In terms of silence, not in heat. "I'm so, so sorry for mistaking that snake for you, I really am-" A hiss came from the backseat. Terrifying, because Crowley was in the front seat. Not for the first time that day, traffic was stopped. This time it was because both of them were freaking out about the realization that they just stole a snake.

The next week, the zoo recieved their anaconda back via mail.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so so sorry for writing this lol


End file.
